back in 1995

yesterday, mary at giving up on perfect asked us about our teenage dreams.  those dreams, hopes and wishes we had when we graduated from high school.  what did we think adulthood would be like?  what were our plans for our future?

well, i had two totally different dreams for my future...

the first one involved coach purses; designer clothes; a sleek, black, mercedes benz; a giant, beautiful home; perfectly manicured  hands; and a high profile successful career as a lawyer or executive at a large, well known corporation.

on the complete other end of the spectrum, i dreamt of "saving the world"and being adventurous.  i'd do a few outward bound trips. i'd join the peace corps.  go on missions trips.  work for a non-profit that was helping the poor.  i'd be super involved at my church.  i'd be "making a difference." this dream didn't even include material possessions.  i have no idea where i'd live, how i'd dress or what i'd drive because those things wouldn't be important to me.

with two totally conflicting dreams, i really had trouble finding my way in college and ended up graduating with, what seems to me, to be a totally random major.  i have a degree in political science, which i decided on after dabbling in psychiatry and education.  the classes were interesting but i don't use them now.

i worked in human resources for a while after college and did really well on the LSAT.  i thought i'd become an attorney focusing on employment law.  but then i realized that i didn't want to put in the crazy hours that went along with a high profile successful career.  instead, i got married, had two kids and got my MBA (even though i have no interest in business whatsoever?!?!).  today i work for a large public university in i guess what would be called middle management.  it's not what i dreamed of, but it pays the bills and provides me the flexibility to be there for our kids when they need me (most of the time).

as for "saving the world"and being "adventurous", that dream still tugs at my heart each and every day.  i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be doing or where i'm supposed to be helping, but i feel a huge void in my life because i have not pursued these dreams from my younger years.  i'm reading books and blogs that i hope will motivate me and give me some direction.  i'm praying.  i'm seeking.

while i'm glad the first set of plans for my future didn't work out, i hope that eventually i can begin to follow the second set of plans so that my younger self will be pleased with how things worked out.

thanks mary for inspiring me to think about these things today!

who i am

this has been a year of self-discovery for me, and i feel i’ve only just cracked the surface.  i am 36, almost 37, and i think i am beginning to come to peace with who i am.  (but only just beginning, i have a long way to go!)

i’ve always struggled with insecurity.  i’m an introvert in a world that accepts extroverts.  on top of that i’m terribly shy (those are two different things, i guess, but they are both hard things to be, at times.)  in elementary school i had glasses and bad hair.  my parents wouldn’t (and couldn’t) buy me the “cool” clothes. 

in middle school and high school, i worked so hard on fitting in.  i studied teen, ym, sassy, and seventeen magazines religiously.  i played sports, joined clubs, took public speaking classes.  i begged my parents for the latest and greatest styles and often got what i asked for.  i spent hours getting ready to leave the house. i pretended to be outgoing.  i dated the hot guy from a neighboring school.  on the outside, i fit in.  and i survived those crazy tween and teen years.

i thought being an adult would be easier.  no more cliques.  no more comparisons.  no more contests.  but I was wrong.  and now if these things get you down, it’s multiplied by the number of kids you have.  because it’s not just me that’s trying to find my place, it’s also my daughters.  grown up cliques and kid cliques.  grown up styles and kid styles. helping my daughters face their own challenges while not being able to handle my own.  it’s tough.

but i think i’m learning.  i know deep down inside that “comparison is the thief of joy”.  i know that fitting in is not what matters most.  i know that there’s a lot more to life than appearances and trophies and having the most friends.  but that doesn’t stop me from getting down when i feel left out.  feeling self-conscious about a bad hair day.  comparing my facebook feed to everyone else’s.

 

source

 

just this awareness that i struggle with these things is a step in the right direction. i know i need to limit my time on social media.  it makes me feel “less than”.  i need to learn more about myself and put my energy into being me, not someone i think will impress others.  i need to get out of my own head and into making the world a better place.  and I need to teach my girls these things in hopes that their tween and teen years will be even a little less painful than mine were.

i love the lyrics to Who You Are by Jessie J.  when I hear it in reminds me to be true to myself.  to be ok with not being perfect.  to just be real.  i hope i can do that more and more each day.

Who You Are

Jessie J

i stare at my reflection in the mirror
why am i doing this to myself?
losing my mind on a tiny error
i nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no, no

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
just be true to who you are

who you are, who you are, who you are
who you are, who you are, who you are
who you are, who you are, who you are

brushing my hair, do i look perfect?
i forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
the more i try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'cause everything inside me screams
no, no, no, no, no

don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

but tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
there's nothing wrong with who you are

yes, no's, egos, fake shows like whoa
just go and leave me alone
real talk, real life, good luck, good night
with a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
no, no, no, no, no

don't lose who you are all in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
just be true to who you are
yeah, yeah, yeah

back and forth

my commitment level to this blog is sporadic. i want to write, i really do.  but then i feel so out of place when i do.  i’m not sure where i fit in in the blogosphere.  some days I love fitness.  other days it’s reading.  other days it’s just life in general. 

i’m a Christian.  should my blog lean that way?  or do I run a mommy blog since I’m a mom?  i. just. don’t. know.

but i do know that i want to write. i’ve dreamed of writing since i was a little girl.  it’s really been the only consistent “dream” in my life.  yet I’m 36 now and still am not consistently pursuing this dream. 

this is the third blog i’ve started in just as many years.  and it’s been 40 days since my last post.  i’ve been reading some other blogs lately that discuss pursuing your dreams.  and they've inspired me.  so here i am.  i really have no idea what I’m going to do.  i guess for now just write.  about whatever.  with no direction.  i don’t think that sounds like much of a plan.  but it’s a start.  i kind of hope it leads me to some direction.  and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  but at least I’ll be writing. 

and since my blog shows up on the internet, where people may just happen upon it and read it, does that mean i can call myself a writer?