three days and counting

last week it seemed that everywhere I looked online, people were talking about why facebook is bad for us.  it’s like everyone was reading my mind because i’ve been struggling with this for a while.  so I read quite a few blogs and articles, including these:

 6 reasons social media is dangerous for me - from momastery

inspiration diet - from life with greyson + parker

just checking - from love saves lives 

and decided to spend a few days away from facebook.  my intent was only to spend three days away.  just enough to clear my head and focus on more important things over the weekend.  but the longer i was away from it, the more i realized I don’t need it.  i’m not even sure that i want it anymore.

 

 

now I know many (most?) people can handle facebook just fine.  but i’m not one of those people.  i get lonely.  jealous.  insecure.  competitive. judgemental. and more when i spend too much time on facebook.  it’s a distraction and major time suck for me.  i took facebook off of my phone a few weeks ago and that’s one of the best decisions i’ve ever made.  logging off completely would be an even better decision, although i’m not sure i can take that big of a leap right now. 

before stepping away, i set up facebook to notify me of friend requests, tagged photos of me, private messages and any activity in the private groups i belong to.  this way i can take care of any business that applies to me, hopefully without facing the temptation of browsing facebook for hours seeing all that is going on with all of my “friends”.  i’m hoping this arrangement works out for me.  this weekend i realized these things:

•  i am ten million times more productive without facebook.  i actually had wide open blocks of time this weekend with nothing to do.  my kids were playing quietly.  i was caught up on my planned chores.  i finished a reading novel.  and there were still a few hours before bedtime.  how could this be?  normally i feel like i am just. so. busy. but now I think that was a lie.  i have a feeling i was just spending way too much time online.

• my mind is more relaxed when it’s not filled with “junk”.  status updates are often like clutter.  or i guess it’s like reading a people or us magazine.  it’s not information that is relevant to my life so why do i spend so much time sucking it in?  by not scrolling through status updates multiple times throughout the day, i had more room in my brain to focus on the important things.  i was even able to practice yoga yesterday evening and calmly rest in savasana for five minutes.  (that’s normally impossible for me.)

• one of the reasons I have been considering leaving facebook is because i’ve realized i can be really critical and judgmental (just being totally honest here).  i hate this about myself and know it has got to stop. but facebook can be a breeding ground for criticizing and judging others. if I’m not reading status updates 24/7, the opportunity to constantly judge and criticize other people’s actions isn’t there.   

so I’m still a little worried that I’m missing out.  and I’m still craving the distraction facebook provides when i don’t want to deal with real life (something else i need to work on…!).  but overall, i think being apart from facebook may be life changing for me.  sure that sounds dramatic, but i’m pretty sure it’s true.  i’ll have to provide an update in a month or two to see how things are going.  i really think i’m going to try to stay as far away from facebook as possible going forward.  at least until my kids are old enough to join, although i’m hoping by then facebook will no longer exist!

who i am

this has been a year of self-discovery for me, and i feel i’ve only just cracked the surface.  i am 36, almost 37, and i think i am beginning to come to peace with who i am.  (but only just beginning, i have a long way to go!)

i’ve always struggled with insecurity.  i’m an introvert in a world that accepts extroverts.  on top of that i’m terribly shy (those are two different things, i guess, but they are both hard things to be, at times.)  in elementary school i had glasses and bad hair.  my parents wouldn’t (and couldn’t) buy me the “cool” clothes. 

in middle school and high school, i worked so hard on fitting in.  i studied teen, ym, sassy, and seventeen magazines religiously.  i played sports, joined clubs, took public speaking classes.  i begged my parents for the latest and greatest styles and often got what i asked for.  i spent hours getting ready to leave the house. i pretended to be outgoing.  i dated the hot guy from a neighboring school.  on the outside, i fit in.  and i survived those crazy tween and teen years.

i thought being an adult would be easier.  no more cliques.  no more comparisons.  no more contests.  but I was wrong.  and now if these things get you down, it’s multiplied by the number of kids you have.  because it’s not just me that’s trying to find my place, it’s also my daughters.  grown up cliques and kid cliques.  grown up styles and kid styles. helping my daughters face their own challenges while not being able to handle my own.  it’s tough.

but i think i’m learning.  i know deep down inside that “comparison is the thief of joy”.  i know that fitting in is not what matters most.  i know that there’s a lot more to life than appearances and trophies and having the most friends.  but that doesn’t stop me from getting down when i feel left out.  feeling self-conscious about a bad hair day.  comparing my facebook feed to everyone else’s.

 

source

 

just this awareness that i struggle with these things is a step in the right direction. i know i need to limit my time on social media.  it makes me feel “less than”.  i need to learn more about myself and put my energy into being me, not someone i think will impress others.  i need to get out of my own head and into making the world a better place.  and I need to teach my girls these things in hopes that their tween and teen years will be even a little less painful than mine were.

i love the lyrics to Who You Are by Jessie J.  when I hear it in reminds me to be true to myself.  to be ok with not being perfect.  to just be real.  i hope i can do that more and more each day.

Who You Are

Jessie J

i stare at my reflection in the mirror
why am i doing this to myself?
losing my mind on a tiny error
i nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no, no

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
just be true to who you are

who you are, who you are, who you are
who you are, who you are, who you are
who you are, who you are, who you are

brushing my hair, do i look perfect?
i forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
the more i try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'cause everything inside me screams
no, no, no, no, no

don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

but tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
there's nothing wrong with who you are

yes, no's, egos, fake shows like whoa
just go and leave me alone
real talk, real life, good luck, good night
with a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
no, no, no, no, no

don't lose who you are all in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
just be true to who you are
yeah, yeah, yeah

back and forth

my commitment level to this blog is sporadic. i want to write, i really do.  but then i feel so out of place when i do.  i’m not sure where i fit in in the blogosphere.  some days I love fitness.  other days it’s reading.  other days it’s just life in general. 

i’m a Christian.  should my blog lean that way?  or do I run a mommy blog since I’m a mom?  i. just. don’t. know.

but i do know that i want to write. i’ve dreamed of writing since i was a little girl.  it’s really been the only consistent “dream” in my life.  yet I’m 36 now and still am not consistently pursuing this dream. 

this is the third blog i’ve started in just as many years.  and it’s been 40 days since my last post.  i’ve been reading some other blogs lately that discuss pursuing your dreams.  and they've inspired me.  so here i am.  i really have no idea what I’m going to do.  i guess for now just write.  about whatever.  with no direction.  i don’t think that sounds like much of a plan.  but it’s a start.  i kind of hope it leads me to some direction.  and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  but at least I’ll be writing. 

and since my blog shows up on the internet, where people may just happen upon it and read it, does that mean i can call myself a writer?