who i am

this has been a year of self-discovery for me, and i feel i’ve only just cracked the surface.  i am 36, almost 37, and i think i am beginning to come to peace with who i am.  (but only just beginning, i have a long way to go!)

i’ve always struggled with insecurity.  i’m an introvert in a world that accepts extroverts.  on top of that i’m terribly shy (those are two different things, i guess, but they are both hard things to be, at times.)  in elementary school i had glasses and bad hair.  my parents wouldn’t (and couldn’t) buy me the “cool” clothes. 

in middle school and high school, i worked so hard on fitting in.  i studied teen, ym, sassy, and seventeen magazines religiously.  i played sports, joined clubs, took public speaking classes.  i begged my parents for the latest and greatest styles and often got what i asked for.  i spent hours getting ready to leave the house. i pretended to be outgoing.  i dated the hot guy from a neighboring school.  on the outside, i fit in.  and i survived those crazy tween and teen years.

i thought being an adult would be easier.  no more cliques.  no more comparisons.  no more contests.  but I was wrong.  and now if these things get you down, it’s multiplied by the number of kids you have.  because it’s not just me that’s trying to find my place, it’s also my daughters.  grown up cliques and kid cliques.  grown up styles and kid styles. helping my daughters face their own challenges while not being able to handle my own.  it’s tough.

but i think i’m learning.  i know deep down inside that “comparison is the thief of joy”.  i know that fitting in is not what matters most.  i know that there’s a lot more to life than appearances and trophies and having the most friends.  but that doesn’t stop me from getting down when i feel left out.  feeling self-conscious about a bad hair day.  comparing my facebook feed to everyone else’s.

 

source

 

just this awareness that i struggle with these things is a step in the right direction. i know i need to limit my time on social media.  it makes me feel “less than”.  i need to learn more about myself and put my energy into being me, not someone i think will impress others.  i need to get out of my own head and into making the world a better place.  and I need to teach my girls these things in hopes that their tween and teen years will be even a little less painful than mine were.

i love the lyrics to Who You Are by Jessie J.  when I hear it in reminds me to be true to myself.  to be ok with not being perfect.  to just be real.  i hope i can do that more and more each day.

Who You Are

Jessie J

i stare at my reflection in the mirror
why am i doing this to myself?
losing my mind on a tiny error
i nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no, no

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
just be true to who you are

who you are, who you are, who you are
who you are, who you are, who you are
who you are, who you are, who you are

brushing my hair, do i look perfect?
i forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
the more i try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'cause everything inside me screams
no, no, no, no, no

don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

but tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
there's nothing wrong with who you are

yes, no's, egos, fake shows like whoa
just go and leave me alone
real talk, real life, good luck, good night
with a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
no, no, no, no, no

don't lose who you are all in the blur of the stars
seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
it's okay not to be okay
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing
everybody's bruising
just be true to who you are
yeah, yeah, yeah